30 Tiny Crimes and Polite Moves That Matter (to Some)
Modern Etiquette: A Crowdsourced Edition
Etiquette, that perennial internet debate topic, is really just one person saying “learn your rules” and insisting they’re the authority, which, come to think of it, is how most of society functions. Some rules are arbitrary and exclusionary (like always passing food counterclockwise); others exist to accommodate people’s needs, desires, or feelings (like offering to refill drinks or remove your shoes). The rules shift over time, but the urge to define and enforce them seems to be evergreen.
Right now, etiquette feels particularly unstable—maybe because each generation has its own idea of what counts as polite. Gen Z, the first digitally native generation, with its oldest members now approaching 30, is rapidly rewriting the rules. Having grown up in front of screens, they tend to favor bluntness, efficiency, and honesty over the opaque, high-context manners of the past that prioritized conformity.
Take emojis, for example: their meaning can vary wildly by age. To younger people, 🙂 = sarcasm, 👍 = passive aggression, and 😂 = duress. But to the olds (self included), those same symbols might mean happiness, a job well done, and actual hysterical laughter. No wonder everyone’s a little unsure and anxious about how to do things.
I inquired with family, friends and a few famous people aged 14 to 93 and gathered a list of modern etiquette dos and don’ts—a compendium of what they like and what they can’t stand. Some of it’s subjective, some of it’s obvious, but ideally, it makes us feel a little more seen—or at least a bit more self-aware.
Phones
Across generations, people agreed they want to hear less of other people’s speaker phones, conversations, and FaceTiming in public.
“People who interrupt real-life conversations to talk about news alerts they got on their phone need to be stopped.” —Katie A., 58.
“Your phone does not belong on the dinner table with very few exceptions.” —Elisabeth N., 54.
If asked to give a toast or speech: Prep! Practice! Reading off your phone is always less charming than you think.
“[I hate] when someone just 👍’s a heartfelt text you spent a long time crafting.” —Kasey Musgraves, 36 (via Dream Baby Press).
AirPods & Headphones
Put them in: when walking, exercising, or running errands (nobody needs to hear your fave podcast coming from your phone speaker while the rest of us are walking our dogs, thanks!).
Take them BOTH out: when talking to a sentient human being.
Words to Avoid
“Word I hate: challenging. It embraces everything and nothing. —Gay Talese, 93 (via ).
Do you have a concierge doctor? Congrats! You can just say doctor.
“Bespoke is a word that should be written and not said. If you need to tell someone something is made-to-order, use the word custom.” —Scott G., 75.
“Please don’t mention ChatGPT at all.” —Simons F., 27.
“1000% doesn’t make sense, it’s overused, and I hate it.” —Alexis H., 45.
Saying “no worries” worries a lot of people. Try you’re welcome, of course, carry on!, or no problemo.
RSVPs & Thank Yous
“You need to follow up with people to say thank you. A handwritten note is best, but some kind of acknowledgment (text, email, phone call) is necessary if you’ve received a gift or someone’s treated you to something.” -Susan G., 75.
Say yes or no as soon as you can to an invite. If it’s a no, you don’t need to give a reason. “I can’t make this one” is perfectly acceptable.
“Confirm a time instead of saying “I think that could work.” It’s like we’re constantly looking over each other’s shoulders for a better option.” -Max W., 41.
“Let’s not with the text invitations that end with: I’m probably forgetting someone, just add on whoever you want.” —K.A., 58.
Attire
“Indoors? Shirt on. Especially not cool to be shirtless when others are eating. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” —Abby G., 14.
“The ceiling for when men can wear a backwards hat is 40.” —S.G., 75.
Offer to take off your shoes when you arrive somewhere else, but never explicitly ask for someone to take them off at yours. A perfect quagmire.
“No flip-flops in urban environs.” —Carrie C., 59.
Photos & Social Media
“Don’t let documenting the party become the party.” —Walker L., 52
Unfollowing someone on social media is hostile. A simple and discreet tap of the mute button is the move.
“We don’t need people sharing huge national news on their own Instagram stories. I’m fully aware of the latest hellstorm, but thanks so much for catching us up.” —S.F., 27.
Travel
“Being barefoot on a plane is an act of war.” —Quinn N., 42.
“Posting on social media about being in an airport lounge or sitting in a business class seat is so ick.” —Tony E., 32.
“If you are in Italy all summer, please tone it down online, some of us have jobs.” —Michelle L., 44.
“When sitting next to a stranger on a plane, the correct etiquette is to indicate goodwill as you first take your seat, by making eye contact and smiling broadly, before then inserting AirPods, whether or not they are turned on. If you sense compatibility and want to talk, wait until about 25 minutes before landing to make your friendly overture.” —Mary Killen, 67 (via The Spectator)
“Be nice to flight attendants and gate agents.”—Matt M., 43.
IRL Behavior
Wink often. Wink at your spouse, your kids, your friends. Winks are cute, hilarious, and de-escalating.
“Respond to people using a verbal signal or a head nod, Gen Z just stares at you blankly.” —Gina C., 42.
“I recently moved to the South and people here ask you how you are and look you in the eyes and then wait for a response. In an odd way it forces mindfulness because you have to stop, determine a response, give the response, then wait for a reply when you ask. It’s glorious.” —Dana D., 60.
Taking out the trash at home is routine, at someone else’s party, it’s next-level etiquette that’s always appreciated.
“It’s never too late to say sorry. The statute of limitations on a sincere apology is basically infinite.” —Marina A., 39
Lastly, knowing the rules is one thing, but being priggish about rules is another: Don’t be a Princess Margaret (someone who gets drunk and pulls rank).
This is FANTASTIC.
Great ! I think I know who S.G 75 is :)